The Bagina Monologue
I used to have a friend that worked for the department of health. In this state the department of health is where people of meager finances get their healthcare. I went to the department of health to get a PAP smear so I could get birth control pills for free. I can not swear to it but I strongly believe that if Joseph Goebbels had offspring his grandchildren would work at the women’s section of this Department of Health, herein referred to as (DOH) just for ease. I do realize that the Docs they have working there are only doing a rotation to fulfill med school credits and they don’t want to be there, blah blah blah. I believe that someone neglected to inform these future “God’s in their own mind” that they were now working on real people and not cadavers. The exam was really abusive and the dude wasn’t paying attention so I was basically assaulted by a speculum and a q-tip. The reception area had the look of an upscale crack den, except everyone appeared to have lost their buzz. My friend, let’s call her Clitoris, was responsible for answering phones and setting appointments which, uncannily, is why she got an art degree. The stories shared with me which could make you both laugh and/or cry depending on whether your cynical or empathetic. There was the story of the woman who got a PAP smear and during said smear a hairball the size of an adult fist was found way on up in there. Never was this State Fair, Blue Ribbon size hairball ever explained. This makes me sad that Rod Serling is dead, imagine what he could have done with that. Okay. The BEST story to come out of this job, in my opinion anyway, is the Bagina story. One day a woman called the DOH (see above) and stated:
“MY BAGINA BE STANKING WORSE THAN USUAL”.
Now this sentence had my mind racing. What in God’s name is a fucking Bagina and why was it stanking WORSE than USUAL? I know you’re wondering what kind of lame ass town this must be to not have a Bagina Salon. Should said Bagina be reported to Animal Control? If this Bagina is just loose in the town should there be an APB put out on it? Does it spray like a skunk? I was terrified and like anyone else who was aware of this possibly rabid, roaming, Bagina I got in my car and ran to the store and purchased all of the tomato juice they had just in case I ended up in the path of this Bagina and it’s squirting caustic fluid. I also found that a Bloody Mary might be called for, just for my nerves which were now shot. Is the stench of a Bagina a recognizable one? Would the normal Bagina smell like say a can of tuna, or would it smell more like a Red Lobster after a zombie attack and all of their stock had rotted? I waited at home, totally blitzed out of my mind with bloody Mary’s and watched CNN waiting to see how this situation would unfold. Nothing. I heard absolutely nothing of this “Stanking Bagina” situation. This, my friends, leads to only 2 possibilities: “The Stanking Bagina” is not as rare as I feared it to be or as Fox Mulder might say “The Truth is Out There”.